Understanding Bids for Connection: The Building Blocks of Relationships
We’ve all experienced moments when someone close to us says or does something that seems small but leaves a lasting impression. It could be a casual remark, a shared smile, or even a question about your day. These seemingly minor gestures are often what relationship researcher John Gottman calls “bids for connection.” Understanding and responding to these bids is crucial for building and maintaining strong relationships, whether they’re romantic, platonic, or professional.
What Are Bids for Connection?
A bid for connection is any attempt by one person to seek attention, affirmation, or emotional attunement from another. Bids can be verbal, like asking, “Did you see the sunrise this morning?” or non-verbal, like a playful nudge or a longing glance. These actions invite a response and create an opportunity for bonding.
The beauty of bids for connection lies in their simplicity. They’re not grand gestures or dramatic declarations. Instead, they’re woven into the fabric of everyday interactions, making them easy to miss if we’re not paying attention.
How Do We Respond to Bids?
There are three primary ways to respond to a bid for connection:
Turning Toward
Responding positively to the bid by engaging with it. For example, if your partner says, “Look at this funny meme,” you might laugh and comment on it.
Turning toward builds trust, fosters intimacy, and strengthens the relationship over time.
Turning Away
Ignoring the bid entirely or responding in a distracted way. For instance, scrolling through your phone without acknowledging the other person’s attempt to connect.
Consistently turning away can lead to feelings of rejection or neglect.
Turning Against
Responding negatively to the bid, often with criticism or hostility. For example, snapping, “Why do you always interrupt me?” when someone is simply trying to share something.
Turning against not only misses the opportunity for connection but can also create emotional distance or conflict.
Why Do Bids Matter?
Over time, how we respond to bids determines the health and longevity of our relationships. Gottman’s research has shown that couples who stay together respond positively to each other’s bids about 86% of the time, while those who divorce respond positively only about 33% of the time.
But bids for connection aren’t just about romantic relationships. They’re essential in friendships, family dynamics, and workplace interactions. A colleague’s quick “How was your weekend?” or a friend’s “Want to grab coffee?” are bids that, when met with engagement, deepen the connection.
The Barriers to Recognizing Bids
In today’s fast-paced, distraction-filled world, it’s easy to overlook bids for connection. Stress, busyness, and digital distractions can all get in the way. Sometimes, we misinterpret bids or fail to recognize them altogether.
Additionally, vulnerability plays a role. Making a bid is inherently risky because it opens the possibility of rejection. This is why recognizing and responding to bids requires both attentiveness and empathy.
Cultivating Awareness of Bids
To improve your ability to recognize and respond to bids, consider the following practices:
Be Present: Put away distractions and focus on the person in front of you. Active listening can help you pick up on both verbal and non-verbal cues.
Show Curiosity: Ask open-ended questions and express genuine interest in what the other person is sharing.
Practice Gratitude: Recognize and appreciate the effort someone puts into making a bid, even if it’s small.
Reflect on Your Responses: Take a moment to consider how you typically respond to bids. Are you turning toward, away, or against?
The Ripple Effect of Connection
When we respond positively to bids, we create a ripple effect of connection and goodwill. These moments, though small, accumulate over time to form the foundation of trust and intimacy. By tuning into bids and responding with care, we not only strengthen our relationships but also foster a sense of belonging and emotional security for everyone involved.
So, the next time someone shares a joke, points out a beautiful sunset, or asks about your day, pause and recognize the bid. It’s an opportunity to turn toward, to connect, and to nurture the relationships that enrich our lives.